“Nothing so darkens the mind as to be closely attached to present things.” - Homily 8 on the Book of John, John Chrysostom.

I once lost a large sum of money very quickly. At first, I was devastated. I would do things I love doing, yet feel none of the familiar joy that was once so reliable. I would excuse myself early from social outings. For a week or so, it felt like all joy had left me. Money, which is supposed to be a means to an end, had become a goal for its own sake. I was fine: I could pay all my bills and nothing about my life materially changed. But out of my childish suffering, I learned an important spiritual lesson.

Ultimately, contentment is not an external state. It’s an internal state. Let me explain.

In the Lord of the Rings, Schmegal gains great external possession. He finds the Ring of Power. With this ring, he is able to turn invisible and dramatically expand his lifespan. This opens up limitless opportunity; a tool that offers control over the world, but its cost becomes apparent immediately.

What happens to the content little hobbit Smeagal who is fond of simple pleasures like fishing and boating? The ring, which represents external possession and power, leads him to kill his best friend such that he can have the ring solely as his own. His decay is immediate and does not stop there. He ends up living in a dark cave, a shell of his former self, repeating to himself “my precious, my precious” over and over, so completely consumed by the allure of power and possession. The darkness of the cave represents how Gollum has moved away from God, who is represented as light. Scripture repeatedly says that God uses darkness to hide truth from the unworthy.

“He made darkness his secret place; his pavilion round about him were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.” — Psalm 18:11 (KJV)

“The LORD has said that he would dwell in thick darkness.” — 1 Kings 8:12 (KJV),

Darkness represents divine mystery, which is used to conceal truth from the self-serving and proud.

Living inside the cave, Schmegal has become so covered in darkness that he cannot see the thing that is killing him and making him miserable has been his own doing. This darkness has made him incapable of realizing that in his search for possessions and power, he has lost all joy, meaning, and purpose. This loss is so profound and deep that he goes from Schmegal to Gollum, a name that resembles the sound of choking, which mirrors how his inappropriate lust for worldly desires chokes him from the inside, constricting all joy, all love, all beauty inside his soul and his external life. He becomes entirely self-absorbed, cut off from others and incapable of genuine fellowship. Schmegal’s loss does not come from anything outside of him, it’s all been his own doing.

The darkness and misery of Gollum is contrasted by the truth of the light and joy of the Shire and the hobbits that reside there. The Shire is a sunny, simple place, the homes being literal holes in the ground. There is nothing particularly glamorous about the Shire, yet the greatest scenes of joy in the trilogy are found there.

The trilogy starts in the Shire with a joyous celebration. There’s bright lights, food, laughter, dancing, and singing. There are people telling stories, and others listening. It’s Bilbo’s 111th birthday party, and theres only one character who does not find himself immersed in love and joy: Bilbo himself.

Bilbo is disconnected. The attractiveness of the Ring has corrupted his heart, shifting his desires away from the simplicity of the Shire. So, in the middle of the celebration, he uses the ring to vanish from the party. It’s framed as a prank, but the act is deeply melancholic. He feels a pull towards needing something more that makes him blind to the things that will bring him fulfillment. Physically, Bilbo is in the Shire; surrounded by love, fellowship, and joy. Yet spiritually, he finds himself in the cave with Gollum, but the choking noises aren’t coming from Gollum this time, but himself.

This is exactly how I felt after losing that money. I felt pulled towards wanting it back, needing it back. Even when surrounded by people I love, doing things I love I found myself vanishing away from others. Stuck inside my own mind, in my own misery. I felt myself choking. The pain was tangible in my body, I found myself unable to breathe and with a tight chest. I lay awake at night wondering where my life had gone wrong.

But as time went on, I realized that money had become my end goal in life. The grip it held on me progressively loosened. It had become something I wasn’t using to serve me and others, it was something that I started to serve. I was dwelling in darkness, and couldn’t see the very chase that I thought would bring me contentment was bringing me pain - even before I lost the money. You see, I had been vanishing away from others and choking myself from the inside for months before there was any lost money. Externally, I had what I wanted, but it wasn’t enough, I needed more, and I had no time for love, peace, or joy.

This taught me a valuable spiritual lesson. The easy, most obvious lesson is that money is not the point of life. The point of life is to love God and others. But I had known that before, even if I hadn’t been following it. I actually learned something else that I didn’t know before: something that made me see life with new eyes.

I learned that joy and contentment is not an external state. It’s not a matter of having the right possessions or privileges. It’s an interior disposition. The happiest people aren’t the ones who have great riches and worldly belongings. Those things can be good for a time, but they are never lasting. We can see the fact these things don’t last based on how the ring of power made its way from Gollum to Bilbo to Frodo. We all grow old, lose our beauty and health, and die, bringing nothing with us into the next life.

When we are about to die and look back on our lives, we won’t remember the money or power we held in life, we will remember our moments of moral courage, bravery, and sacrifice. We may regret the times we failed to do what was right. But most of all, we’ll remember the feeling of being surrounded by friends laughing in joy over the simple things. We’ll think of the love we gave and received, seen in thousands of small and great acts of help and shared joy.

I had made money my master, and in losing money, I had failed my master, and was miserable. Or at least, so I had thought. The real reason why I had been miserable, however, came to me months later in prayer, study, and serving others. My loss had not been exterior, but interior. In loving money too much, I had extinguished the light of God in my heart. As such, I could not tell that it was me who was choking myself and not any situation external to me. I had become like Gollum, alone inside a dark cave, repeating “my precious” to myself over and over in an attempt to lull myself into the sleep that wouldn’t come.

But I eventually found myself coming out of the cave and into the Shire. It was a gradual process, and I didn’t realize what God was doing at the time. In fact, I spent almost the entire time complaining. But he still dragged me out of the darkness and into the light. I now have a deeper appreciation for others, not as a means to bring myself glory, but as people to lift up with my words, people to pray for, and people to work for. I’m able to help others with the contentment that comes from knowing I don’t need anything else but the knowledge that I’m doing something good to be content. I’m able to connect with others easier and on a deeper level because all the emotional energy I had spent focusing on something that wasn’t important was able to be reallocated to understanding and loving others.

I can’t pretend it’s always sunshine and rainbows. I still find myself in darkness occasionally, but I generally no longer live for my own glory, but to glorify God through myself. And I have found contentment in this. I don’t complain so much, and I feel joyful waking up everyday in the morning, ready to face whatever comes my way, whatever the consequence. That’s true freedom.